Contentment

So often we have prayed for patience, strength and faith through this time, but tonight Andrew prayed something totally different, something I hadn't expected at all.

He prayed for contentment.

I heard it come out and thought, "No God, that's not what he means.  Not that, anything but contentment." 

 I listened as he continued and finished his prayer.

I'm the kind of person that needs to know: when, why, how, what color, what time... etc, (the kid in the backseat asking "WHY?" over and over again) so naturally I needed to clarify.

When he got done I said, 

"You prayed for contentment...??" I noticed his eyes a little red. 

"Yes, I did."

"The kind of contentment to be okay with never having another baby?"

"Yes... It was the hardest thing I've ever prayed for."

In all this time.  In all my prayers.  I've never thought (and honestly never wanted) to pray for contentment.
But why not?
God has so richly blessed us with our sweet Hadley.

I mean I've definitely thought of the possibility, just never prayed to be okay with it, to be content.  This is why God put the two of us together.  God knew I would never be able to do this on my own and He definitely knew I would never pray this for myself.

I'm not saying we're done (ha). I'm merely saying that Andrew's prayer tonight has put something in/on my heart.  God has definitely spoke to me through Andrew tonight.

While posting, this verse popped in my head...

Numbers 6:24-26 (NIV)

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you;  the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.

Fertility Update

To say the last few months have been emotional and rough would be the understatement of the century.
I have a lot of updates in regards to our process to make and they are not easy to say.

We actually found out in November that we were finally expecting our sweet baby #2.  After 27 months of prayer, shots, "menopause", a biopsy, surgery, birth control (I know that sounds pretty weird when you're actually trying to get pregnant) and getting several non helpful diagnosis regarding my fertility issues we FINALLY got a positive test!!!

Sadly, we found out in December that our little Norman wasn't growing and I had to have a D&C 4 days before Christmas.
I posted this link to give you all the details.  I actually started that blog post the day we found out we were expecting and kept up with it weekly so I wouldn't forget anything.  I never want to forget.

After the D&C they ran some pathology to make sure everything was okay, including some genetic testing.  

When I went in for my post-op I expected to get my prescription for birth control and be on my way until my HCG levels were back down to normal.  I got my prescription, but they also told me my pathology came back "abnormal."
They said everything could be fine but "worse case scenario" was it could be a molar pregnancy which have a possibility of turning into choriocarcinoma.  In which case I would have had to go on bc for no less than 6 months and possibly chemo after that and wouldn't be able to start trying again for another year.

They said right now there was no way to tell if it was molar until the rest of my pathology (the genetic testing) came back.  Genetic testing usually takes roughly 6 weeks, meaning at this point I still had 4 more weeks of waiting.  Until then they were just going to do weekly blood draws to watch my HCG levels.

With every bad diagnosis I've had in this office I have yet to cry in front of my doctor... until that day.  I was devastated.  Andrew and I had honestly thought, up to that point, it couldn't get any worse.

WOW!!  Not AT ALL what I was expecting to hear.  I went home that day pretty much convinced I had cancer.  

The next day my nurse practitioner called with my HCG levels which had dropped significantly, which is good in regards to molar pregnancies.  She also said she checked in with the pathologists in regards to my genetic tests.  The pathologist had already scene that my original pathology read abnormal, so she put a rush on the genetic testing and the results showed it was not molar.  PRAISE THE LORD!!!

It may sound cruel that they gave me such bad news to go home with the day before.  Honestly though, I would have much rather have gotten the worst case scenario first and then heard good news than the other way around.

As of right now I am on birth control and having weekly blood drawn until my HCG levels are back down to a normal level and then I pretty much start the whole process over that we had done in the fall.

February- Endometrial Biopsy

March- Clomid (I never actually started the clomid in the fall)

In the mean time my emotions are all over the place.  All it takes is a funny look and I'm in full blown ugly cry and every July due date sends me into full depression for atleast 5 minutes.  I know this will pass and God is currently finding a way to use this for His glory.

Ephesians 1:11-12 (MSG)

It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for.  Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eyes on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.

I've read several forums (probably too many) on how long it took people to get pregnant after a miscarriage.  Some said it was really soon and some said years.  I'm obviously very hopeful that we'll be in the "really soon" category, considering we're kinda already in the "years" one, but we know we are not in control.

Matthew 19:26 (NIV)

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

*AMEN*

Thanks for checkin' in!!

Our Little Bean {The First 10 Weeks}

Before I start I need to say thank you to everyone who has been praying with us and for us since I started posting in the last year about our struggles.  Andrew and I are so blessed to be able to tell everyone.  This has been a hard secret to keep, but secret no more.....

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!

***

Monday, November 12th

I found out about you this afternoon.
Your big sister and I went to playgroup and did some Christmas shopping this morning, then headed home.  When we got home she gave me a big hug and I noticed I was kinda sore.  I didn't think anything of it at first, then...  I grabbed Hadley and we headed straight to the drugstore.  When I got home I got this...

 and then this...

You can't be too sure.

I just kept staring, it says "Pregnant" not "Not Pregnant" JUST "PREGNANT!!!!"  Once I processed it my eyes filled up with tears and I completely lost it.  I gathered myself enough to call the doctor and they told me to come in the tomorrow morning for bloodwork!!

I only had a couple hours before your daddy got home, so your big sister and I got back in the car and went to Carter's to find the perfect shirt to help tell him.

He wasn't supposed to get off till later but on our way home (in the midst of traffic) he called to say he too was on his way home.  I kinda freaked out and sent him to the grocery store for a bunch of random stuff so I could be sure we'd get there first.

I made Hadley change in the car, which is pretty hard/comical to do in a car seat, while staying buckled.  We got home just in time and this is what happened.

Sorry I'm having issues with the videos.

I had planned on saying something like, "We're having a baby." But I was kind of a mess behind the camera and it would have come out more like, "Waa habeee uh baaaaabeeee!" So, you can't see your sister's shirt and I don't say anything so without a prologue you wouldn't know this had anything to do with having a baby.

Best part of the video, your daddy's face!

Your sister is really excited but she has no idea why.  I just told her we were surprising daddy.  She still doesn't know about you. (She's not the best at secrets.)

Your daddy and I just kept asking each other, "Is this real? Is this really happening?"

We can't wait till July 17th!

Tuesday, November 13th

I went in, after dropping your sister off, to get my blood drawn to see what my levels looked like.

They said I'll know for sure tomorrow!  Man, tomorrow sounds like forever from now.

Wednesday, November 14th

(My Birthday!)
I got the confirmation phone call today.  You're really in my belly!!!  They said my progesterone is good and my HCG levels are around 125, which is where they should be at this point.  I go back in on Monday so they can run it again to make sure my levels are increasing at the rate they should be. If they are they'll set up an appointment for your first official picture.

You're by far the best birthday present EVER!!!!

Wednesday, November 21st
I had another round of blood work on Monday and got the results yesterday.  I'm still "very pregnant," my HCG levels are at 2,200!!  (Apparently your levels are supposed to double every other day. According to this theory my levels should have been around 1000, hmm.... I'm eager for an ultrasound.)
Speaking of which, your first "picture" is set up for December 4th!!
This past weekend we were in Dallas for our cousin Beth's wedding.  It was great trip and so much fun.  It was so hard for me not to say anything.  There was family everywhere and I'm just so down-right excited.
Fun story about you and Beth. Around January we agreed to join each other in prayer.  Beth to join us in praying for you and us to join in praying for her future husband.  Guess what?!  Now we have both!! God is good!!!

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving and I have SO much to be thankful for, but since we're waiting till Christmas to make your big reveal it will just be me and daddy getting gitty about your arrival this summer.
Your family has been praying for months (27 to be exact) for you to make your way here.  I know they're all going to be so excited when they find out you're really coming!!

Sunday, November 25th
(6w 4d)
One of mommy's friends, Miss Jessica, took our family pictures today.  We've had these planned for a while, but since we found out you're coming we decided to take a few special pictures just for you. (To help make the big announcement at Christmas.)  
When we got to the park for pictures your sister was wearing a "Big Sis Hadley" t-shirt.  So far Miss Jessica has had one of the best reactions.

Sorry I'm having issues getting the videos to work.

(I'm not sharing them all.  Some need to remain a surprise.)

Miss Ashley made your big sister's shirt.  We'll get you one too...once we know if you're a boy or girl. =)
It's crazy how much I already love you Little Bean.

Wednesday, November 28th

(Sorry for the poor quality, all of my pictures have been taken on my phone.)

December 4, 2012
(7w 6d)
Today has been a crazy day.  I had a lunch date with friends this afternoon, I'm supposed to go up to the school to set-up and serve meals for the students, then be home in time to host the Cookie/Gift exchange, AHHH!!!
On top of the other I had an appointment today after picking up your big sister, it's picture day.  Today's appointment didn't go exactly as we had planned.  We thought we would walk away with a sweet little black and white picture of our little jelly bean but my sac was empty.
According to my LMP I should be 7w6d, but when Dr. Bundren measured your sac it only measured 5w6d.  He doesn't have the best poker face and the face he made didn't look very optimistic. He said several times he just didn't know if this was going to turn out to be a "normal pregnancy."  He also said he's been fooled before and if infact I am only 5w6d, you would not be big enough to see in the ultrasound just yet.
I'm hopeful that I'm just not as far along, but they set up an appointment for a week from today, December 11th, for another ultrasound.  Your daddy and I are praying that everything will turn out fine, but we know it's in God's hands.

December 11, 2012
(8w 6d)
Today we had our second ultrasound and it showed a growing sac, but still it was empty.  I went into this appointment with a lot of peace.  I thought going into it, that it was because we were going to see you but I know now it was God preparing me for the weeks ahead.
When he told me again it didn't look viable and we would need to set up the D&C for next week I knew this was it.  They set-up another ultrasound for the next week, December 18th, but I knew the peace I had was to help me let go.

December 18, 2012
(9w 6d)
Your daddy was able to be off for this appointment, hooray.  We prayed so hard for this appointment.  I specifically prayed for two things whether it was a miracle or closure, I just needed one.
He started the ultrasound and unlike any other week he never turned the screen toward me.  The sac was still empty, this week there was also no growth instead it had started to break down.  There it was.  Not my miracle, my closure.

I think telling people I wasn't pregnant anymore was the hardest thing, especially since they didn't know I was to begin with.  We told our family after the 2nd ultrasound that we had found out last month we were expecting but things didn't progress and I was having surgery 4 days before Christmas. (It was supposed to be the best Christmas surprise ever.)  The brief excitement on everyones face or in their voice when we said, "We were expecting" also made telling them that much harder.
I told Andrew at least the good news is next time we already have the shirt and the pictures taken. =/

December 21, 2012
(10w 2d)
4 days before Christmas and we're saying goodbye to what we thought was our Christmas miracle.  To be honest although you aren't here, you are still our miracle.  Because of you we know we can get pregnant again and all is not lost.
You came at the perfect time when I was starting to think it would never happen again.  I wish more than anything that I wasn't having to say goodbye, but the brief moment we had you, you were loved and we were BEYOND excited!!

The procedure went well, infact my body started to react on its own last night.  Dr. Bundren said it looked like you just never made it past the first few weeks, but nothing abnormal.

****

December 29, 2012
I'm coming back to write this as it has been hard to look at this post after the last few weeks of events.   We were able to spend time with family over this Christmas season which has been a blessing during this time.  It has helped to keep my mind off of all the madness.
For some crazy reason I have been able to keep myself together through most of this.  I know that God is keeping His hand over me because I know without Him I would be a basket case.  I've had my good days and what I call my messy days, but so far my good days have out weighed the messy.  I told Andrew recently I feel like God is definitely protected my heart because if I let this break me down I think I would be completely broken.  I know God is good and He will get us through.

Job 1:21- "... The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." NIV

Thanks for checkin' in!!

Update...

I figured it's been a while since I posted on all this business and wanted to catch you up.  I went back to the beginning for any of the people checkin' in for the first time.

The Last 27 Months:
August 2010: Started Trying (known thyroid issues)

July-August 2011: Started calling to get an appointment to see OBGYN about any issues.

September 2011: OBGYN said to try for 3 more months and come back.

October 2011: Andrew's SA (no issues)

December 2011: Saw specialist, Dr. Clark Bundren (Diagnosed PCOS)

January 13, 2012: Laproscopic Surgery for Endometriosis (Stage 3 Endo), HSG Test (no fallopian blockage)

February-June 2012: Lupron Depot Shots (6 shots/ 1 every 4 wks.)
*Lupron is treatment used for endometriosis.  Due to me having a worse case than others he chose to do more treatment after the Laproscopic surgery.  It essentially shuts down you reproductive system, so there is no new growth of endometriosis and giving the endo that was removed in surgery time to heal.

July 2012: Started Birth Control and Metformin 500mg (1 day)
*Birth Control was used to "reboot" my system after being asleep for the last 6 months.
*Metformin is a medication typically used to treat type 2 diabetes but is also known to help regulate the ovaries of women suffering from PCOS.

August 2012: Birth Control and Metformin 500mg (alternating 1/day then 2/day)

September 2012: Metformin 500mg (1/day then 2/day) & Endometrial Biopsy (Biopsy & Cycle don't match-up)

October 2012: Increased Metformin 500mg (2/everyday)

November 2012: Metformin 500mg (2/everyday), Clomid 50mg & Endometrial Biospy

December 2012: .....

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Thanks for checkin' in!!

Another Appointment Down...

I know its been a while since my last update but that's because everything dealing with infertility takes a while. =)

Patience, which is not my strong suit, is proving more and more that we need to become friends.

Today, I had another appointment for an endometrial biopsy.

(Note: Everytime I think of this procedure this is the picture I get in my head.)

da, da, DA!

This procedure is supposed to tell us whether or not we're ovulating and all that exciting stuff. =)

The appointment went pretty well, not exactly the way I had planned, but I think that's going to be part of my battle during all of this.

I won't have the test results for probably a few weeks so we'll see, in time, exactly what the next plan of action is.

A friend posted this on her wall the other day and I feel it's exactly the medicine I need.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

Ironically enough Hadley's bedtime story was about Hannah and her prayers for a baby. Hmmm...

Thanks for checkin' in!!

145 Days Late

Let me start by explaining my title, ha.  I downloaded a tracker on my iphone and it's been keeping count since I started my shots back in February and I am now up to 145 days late.  I really don't mind but I do wish it was because I was pregnant and not for 'menopause', ha.  =)

Moving on....

I honestly never thought I would get here right now; 

1.) Because when they told me back in January that I would be starting a series of shots for the next 6 months (this was before we could even think about having anymore kids), I thought for sure it would be forever.

2.) Because this month actually marks 2 years since we've started trying.  I thought without a doubt last year when we passed a year we wouldn't make it to this point again without getting a positive test.  Somehow God always has a way of reminding us we're not in control and because we aren't He has taught us several things we really needed to know: about ourselves, our marriage and our little family.

Sometimes time is really a blur to me but I started looking at pictures of Hadley from when we had first moved to Tulsa.  The first picture was taken in September and the next picture was just a few weeks ago.  This is how much my baby girl has changed since we started this process and it blows my mind!
It has been such a blessing to have so much one-on-one time with this girl!

Andrew and I have been blessed to keep a pretty positive attitude throughout this process but it's only been though God and the prayers and thoughts of all of our wonderful friends.  I've only made it public in the last year but we are so thankful for all of you who have been there.

*Warning: Vanity Rant*

Some of you may have already heard me complain about this, and if so I'm sorry.  As I said just earlier I've tried to stay pretty positive throughout this process but since I started the shots in February the scale at my house is making me feel otherwise.  I mean seriously, I haven't had a cycle and I'm gaining weight but neither are related to being pregnant. URGH!  Where I am now I've only seen while pregnant and..... my freshman year of college. =/

Anyway if you notice you don't have to say anything and just know I'm blaming it on the hormones...or lack there of. Haha...

Thanks for checkin' in!!

Doctor Update & Girls Night!

Today was an errand filled day.  Before we left the house Hadley was all about posing for the camera.

I just can't get enough of this sweet face!

My sweet girl came with me to my doctor's appointment today.  She did great!

Found a few good reads in the book nook.

And she worked diligently on a puzzle while I had my exam.  Couldn't have gone better.

***

Doctor's Appointment News:

I am officially done with shots, woohoo!  Man it feels good to go into the doctor's office knowing I don't have to get another one!

I started on Metformin, for the PCOS, as well as birth control tonight.  I'll be on bc for the next 2 months, then I'll have another appointment in November to check on my progress.  Hopefully this does the trick.  =)

***

Then we it was Mardel, Hobby Lobby, JoAnns, Target, Pharmacy, dropping off some stuff for a friend and lunch somewhere in there.  =)  By the time we got home Hadley was worn out and I was too.

Tonight, Andrew got home in enough time for me to go for a girls night with all my church girlies at La Madeleine.

Great food and great company!

Sallie and I shared this delicious tart for dessert.

French Vanilla with Berries

I haven't laughed that hard in a while.  Thanks for a great night ladies!!

Thanks for checkin' in!!

Branson Vacation

We got back from Searcy Wednesday night.  

Thursday morning I got my LAST SHOT!  I go back in 4 weeks and they're going to start me on birth control.  I should only have to do this for 2 to 3 months to do the trick, man there's a lot of steps in this process.  I unfortunately had to weigh in as well which fully supported my thoughts on how my vacation diet was ruining me. =(  

The rest of the day was spent doing laundry and repacking.

Friday, we took Hadley to see Brave (so cute) then hit the road for Branson, just the 3 of us.  Jake had a sleep over with his new friend Colt Rowan.  Thank you Rowan family!

Saturday morning we slept in and headed to Silver Dollar City.

*Head in a Hole Hadley*

Last year Hadley's hair wasn't long enough to do this so we had to make a stop.  Plus they were having a Kid's Fest discount.

*Before*

*During*

*Finished Product*

One of my favorite parts of SDC, the stir fry!!

My lunch dates!

You can't just walk past it.

All the rides in which Hadley had a choice, she wanted to ride by herself and was very adamant about it.

*Ladybugs*

*Frogs*

*Butterfly*

*Tea Cups*

*Regatta Racer*

*Elephants*

*Grand Exposition Coaster*

Andrew was also excited to ride some big kid stuff too.  I found out this was Andrew's first time to ride any of the roller coasters at SDC, WHAT?!?!

*Thunderation*

*Powder Keg*

*Wildfire*

I got up to the look-out just in time to see Andrew passing by so I didn't get any pictures of him.  However I did snap of few of the gorgeous view from the Wildfire look-out.

Hadley found a friend to cool off/play in the misters with.

We stopped by the candy shop, where I got my usual pecan brittle and Hadley got a chocolate covered strawberry.

And Hadley spotted the penny maker.

 Does anyone know a creative way to keep these, because she's acquiring quite a collection? 

Before we headed back to our hotel for some swimming, we grabbed dinner at Cracker Barrel.

While we waited for daddy to get the check Hadley found the baby doll section.

  We got a groupon for Grand Country Inn so that's where we stayed this time.  They have an indoor and outdoor water park and Hadley had a blast!!

While getting ready for the pool I noticed this...

I hate when this happens.

*Outside*

*Inside*

When the GIANT bucket at the top of the indoor play area gets full it rings a bell then pours all the water out.  Andrew and Hadley joined in once.  That was enough for Hadley to decide she wasn't a fan.

Sunday, we headed up the outlet malls for some serious shopping then went home.  It was a great vacation for us, but I'm definitely glad to be home.

Thanks for checkin' in!!