Thursday, January 24, 2013

Our Little Bean {The First 10 Weeks}

Before I start I need to say thank you to everyone who has been praying with us and for us since I started posting in the last year about our struggles.  Andrew and I are so blessed to be able to tell everyone.  This has been a hard secret to keep, but secret no more.....
Monday, November 12th
I found out about you this afternoon.
Your big sister and I went to playgroup and did some Christmas shopping this morning, then headed home.  When we got home she gave me a big hug and I noticed I was kinda sore.  I didn't think anything of it at first, then...  I grabbed Hadley and we headed straight to the drugstore.  When I got home I got this...

 and then this...
You can't be too sure.

I just kept staring, it says "Pregnant" not "Not Pregnant" JUST "PREGNANT!!!!"  Once I processed it my eyes filled up with tears and I completely lost it.  I gathered myself enough to call the doctor and they told me to come in the tomorrow morning for bloodwork!!

I only had a couple hours before your daddy got home, so your big sister and I got back in the car and went to Carter's to find the perfect shirt to help tell him.

He wasn't supposed to get off till later but on our way home (in the midst of traffic) he called to say he too was on his way home.  I kinda freaked out and sent him to the grocery store for a bunch of random stuff so I could be sure we'd get there first.

I made Hadley change in the car, which is pretty hard/comical to do in a car seat, while staying buckled.  We got home just in time and this is what happened.

Sorry I'm having issues with the videos.
I had planned on saying something like, "We're having a baby." But I was kind of a mess behind the camera and it would have come out more like, "Waa habeee uh baaaaabeeee!" So, you can't see your sister's shirt and I don't say anything so without a prologue you wouldn't know this had anything to do with having a baby.

Best part of the video, your daddy's face!

Your sister is really excited but she has no idea why.  I just told her we were surprising daddy.  She still doesn't know about you. (She's not the best at secrets.)

Your daddy and I just kept asking each other, "Is this real? Is this really happening?"
We can't wait till July 17th!

Tuesday, November 13th
I went in, after dropping your sister off, to get my blood drawn to see what my levels looked like.
They said I'll know for sure tomorrow!  Man, tomorrow sounds like forever from now.

Wednesday, November 14th
(My Birthday!)
I got the confirmation phone call today.  You're really in my belly!!!  They said my progesterone is good and my HCG levels are around 125, which is where they should be at this point.  I go back in on Monday so they can run it again to make sure my levels are increasing at the rate they should be. If they are they'll set up an appointment for your first official picture.
You're by far the best birthday present EVER!!!!

Wednesday, November 21st
I had another round of blood work on Monday and got the results yesterday.  I'm still "very pregnant," my HCG levels are at 2,200!!  (Apparently your levels are supposed to double every other day. According to this theory my levels should have been around 1000, hmm.... I'm eager for an ultrasound.)
Speaking of which, your first "picture" is set up for December 4th!!
This past weekend we were in Dallas for our cousin Beth's wedding.  It was great trip and so much fun.  It was so hard for me not to say anything.  There was family everywhere and I'm just so down-right excited.
Fun story about you and Beth. Around January we agreed to join each other in prayer.  Beth to join us in praying for you and us to join in praying for her future husband.  Guess what?!  Now we have both!! God is good!!!

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving and I have SO much to be thankful for, but since we're waiting till Christmas to make your big reveal it will just be me and daddy getting gitty about your arrival this summer.
Your family has been praying for months (27 to be exact) for you to make your way here.  I know they're all going to be so excited when they find out you're really coming!!

Sunday, November 25th
(6w 4d)
One of mommy's friends, Miss Jessica, took our family pictures today.  We've had these planned for a while, but since we found out you're coming we decided to take a few special pictures just for you. (To help make the big announcement at Christmas.)  
When we got to the park for pictures your sister was wearing a "Big Sis Hadley" t-shirt.  So far Miss Jessica has had one of the best reactions.

Sorry I'm having issues getting the videos to work.

(I'm not sharing them all.  Some need to remain a surprise.)
Miss Ashley made your big sister's shirt.  We'll get you one too...once we know if you're a boy or girl. =)
It's crazy how much I already love you Little Bean.

Wednesday, November 28th
(Sorry for the poor quality, all of my pictures have been taken on my phone.)

December 4, 2012
(7w 6d)
Today has been a crazy day.  I had a lunch date with friends this afternoon, I'm supposed to go up to the school to set-up and serve meals for the students, then be home in time to host the Cookie/Gift exchange, AHHH!!!
On top of the other I had an appointment today after picking up your big sister, it's picture day.  Today's appointment didn't go exactly as we had planned.  We thought we would walk away with a sweet little black and white picture of our little jelly bean but my sac was empty.
According to my LMP I should be 7w6d, but when Dr. Bundren measured your sac it only measured 5w6d.  He doesn't have the best poker face and the face he made didn't look very optimistic. He said several times he just didn't know if this was going to turn out to be a "normal pregnancy."  He also said he's been fooled before and if infact I am only 5w6d, you would not be big enough to see in the ultrasound just yet.
I'm hopeful that I'm just not as far along, but they set up an appointment for a week from today, December 11th, for another ultrasound.  Your daddy and I are praying that everything will turn out fine, but we know it's in God's hands.

December 11, 2012
(8w 6d)
Today we had our second ultrasound and it showed a growing sac, but still it was empty.  I went into this appointment with a lot of peace.  I thought going into it, that it was because we were going to see you but I know now it was God preparing me for the weeks ahead.
When he told me again it didn't look viable and we would need to set up the D&C for next week I knew this was it.  They set-up another ultrasound for the next week, December 18th, but I knew the peace I had was to help me let go.

December 18, 2012
(9w 6d)
Your daddy was able to be off for this appointment, hooray.  We prayed so hard for this appointment.  I specifically prayed for two things whether it was a miracle or closure, I just needed one.
He started the ultrasound and unlike any other week he never turned the screen toward me.  The sac was still empty, this week there was also no growth instead it had started to break down.  There it was.  Not my miracle, my closure.

I think telling people I wasn't pregnant anymore was the hardest thing, especially since they didn't know I was to begin with.  We told our family after the 2nd ultrasound that we had found out last month we were expecting but things didn't progress and I was having surgery 4 days before Christmas. (It was supposed to be the best Christmas surprise ever.)  The brief excitement on everyones face or in their voice when we said, "We were expecting" also made telling them that much harder.
I told Andrew at least the good news is next time we already have the shirt and the pictures taken. =/

December 21, 2012
(10w 2d)
4 days before Christmas and we're saying goodbye to what we thought was our Christmas miracle.  To be honest although you aren't here, you are still our miracle.  Because of you we know we can get pregnant again and all is not lost.
You came at the perfect time when I was starting to think it would never happen again.  I wish more than anything that I wasn't having to say goodbye, but the brief moment we had you, you were loved and we were BEYOND excited!!

The procedure went well, infact my body started to react on its own last night.  Dr. Bundren said it looked like you just never made it past the first few weeks, but nothing abnormal.


December 29, 2012
I'm coming back to write this as it has been hard to look at this post after the last few weeks of events.   We were able to spend time with family over this Christmas season which has been a blessing during this time.  It has helped to keep my mind off of all the madness.
For some crazy reason I have been able to keep myself together through most of this.  I know that God is keeping His hand over me because I know without Him I would be a basket case.  I've had my good days and what I call my messy days, but so far my good days have out weighed the messy.  I told Andrew recently I feel like God is definitely protected my heart because if I let this break me down I think I would be completely broken.  I know God is good and He will get us through.

Job 1:21- "... The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." NIV

Thanks for checkin' in!!
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