Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Broken but NOT Defeated

The title is a bit deceptive because honestly at this point I do feel a bit defeated, but only by the grace of God do I know that I am NOT.  

What I'm about to post is very hard for me to say and I have prayed about whether to post it at all.  I think a lot of my reservation comes from feeling too proud to admit I have problems but I know I need prayers and sometimes its okay to talk about myself.  My fingers are shaking so bad as I'm trying to find the right keys to push, but I know I'll get there.
 A friend told me it could be therapeutic, so here it goes.

I was the 5 year old that told my mom I was going to have 5,000 babies and I was going to live in a huge house. (I would need one.)
I was (and am) the one who whenever someone would start a sentence with "Guess what..."  I responded with, "YOU'RE PREGNANT!"
I was the one that has felt my calling in life was to be the best mom in the world to ALL of my children. (And I am trying to be for my beautiful daughter.)

 16 months ago Andrew and I decided we wanted our family to grow and we have had 16 months of disappointments.
16 months ago I started my prayers for a growing family and after 16 months I'm at a loss of what to pray for anymore.
16 months ago I asked Hadley if she wanted a brother or a sister and after 16 months I wonder if I should have even brought it up.  

I know there may be some of you who think its ridiculous that I would want to have more children while my husband is still in med school. Believe me I've already gotten the "You're incredibly irresponsible" lecture from a PCP I tried out here in Tulsa. (No longer my PCP.)  If those are your feelings I would appreciate you not making any hurtful comments.

I prayed for answers before my first appointment in September but my doctor sent me home with a prescription for 3 months of ovulation tests, before she would do anything. (UGH!!)  I have since decided to switch doctors and set up another appointment with a specialist a week from today.  I am again praying for answers and a simple solution.  

I'm not writing this because I want you to feel sorry for me.  I'm writing this because I desperately need your prayers. 

Pathetically enough I have a free sitting fee from my wedding photographers that I've been so patiently saving for our next addition and I'm ready to use it by golly.  So if you pray for nothing else pray that it doesn't expire, haha.
2 Corinthians 4: 8-9 
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

Psalm 37: 4
Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 34: 17-18
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles.  The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Thanks for checkin' in!!
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  1. Janelle, I am lifting you up in prayer asking God to comfort you as you struggle with this. Everything will come in God's timing! Praying that you are able to get answers and praying that the doctors you come in contact with will be sensitive to your feelings and understanding of your dreams for your family! I applaud you on being brave enough to post this! Hopefully it will inspire others to reach out for prayer from others and not feel shame about doing so. Prayers and hugs, Cassandra

  2. You are one of the strongest women I know. I admire you for posting this and I know how hard it was. I pray for you everyday.

  3. Janelle, I can honestly say I know EXACTLY how you feel. In Oct 2009 we were told we had a 0% chance of having a baby on our own. I never wanted anything more... January 2010 we started IVF, with a 40% chance of fertilization...36 fertilized eggs and only two lasted five days to implant. Now we have the God given gift of the duo. It was a LONG hard journey I kept very private. Feel free to talk anytime! I feel I traveled tast journey for a reason, and if it was to share and give hope to others then that is what Ill do. God is good all the time. We must just be patient to follow His time, and that is easier said than done ehen you want something so bad! Call if you ever want to chat. My number is on Facebook. Ill keep you in my prayers.

  4. Janelle, reading your post made me cry. I love your boldness to share your story! I know that same longing to want more children and it not happen as I planned. We had 2 miscarriage before Jaylen was born. When she turned 1, we tried to conceive for a year, finally got pregnant, then miscarried again. It took us another year before getting pregnant with Malia. That almost 4 year gap between my 2 oldest was extremely hard for me. I longed for what I didn't have and sometimes struggled to live in the moment and appreciate the one child God had blessed me with at the time. And then as you know, we were surprised and extremely excited when God blessed us with our sweet Lainey. I don't want anyone to experience infertility or miscarriages. It isn't fun! But I can honestly say I wouldn't change the path God made for me. I find comfort in knowing God's plan for me was better than what I thought my plan should be. I pray you too will find peace, comfort, and contentment through your journey. I know it isn't easy when you are the one experiencing it. You're a precious little Mama! Love every minute with that sweet Hadley, but don't be afraid to pray boldly for more children! God will continue to bless you and you will bless others through your experience. I also pray you find a doctor that will listen and not judge you. You know your body. Be assertive with your needs. Praying you get answers quickly and this journey will feel lighter and easier! Praying also that you will be surrounded and blessed by friends that understand and listen. You're a precious and unique individual and God loves you through it all! Sending you love and hugs! :)

  5. Janelle, I will definitely be praying for you and your family. Sending you love from Arkansas, I wish I can give you a big hug right now. Glencora <3

  6. janelle I so sorry for this hard journey that you and your husband are facing! It breaks my heart! You are so brave to share your struggles. We have Bernard their! My husband and I got pregnant soo easily the first time trying and sadly we lost our baby a month later. We continued to try and after three years had to go through two rounds of IVF to get our beautiful twins. It was a struggle we kept secret until after we had our kids. But let me tell you there are sooo many new drugs, procedures and things to boost your fertility before IVF. I have alot of friends that ovulation test and meds like clomid helped alot! I don't know why God has our journey go down this path but I know you will get through this :) I'm here in prayer and if you ever need anything! Im so sorry for this hurt!

  7. You are so brave to have shared your story and I just know that if you keep believing in The One that gives us those little blessings, He will show you His plan for your life and bless you beyond measure. We will keep you and yours in our prayers and keep our fingers crossed for you. Lots of love.


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